Murder of One

crows-1Blue morning Blue morning Wrapped in strands of fist and bone
Curiosity, Kitten,
Doesn’t have to mean you’re on your own
You can look outside your window
He doesn’t have to know
We can talk awhile, baby
We can take it nice and slow
All your life is such a shame, shame, shame
All your love is just a dream, dream, dream
Are you happy when you’re sleeping?
Does he keep you safe and warm?
Does he tell you when you’re sorry?
Does he tell you when you’re wrong?
I’ve been watching you for hours
It’s been years since we were born
dowhghgnload-2We were perfect when we started
I’ve been wondering where we’ve gone
All your life is such a shame
All your love is just a dream
I dreamt I saw you walking up a hillside in the snow
Casting shadows on the winter sky as you stood there
counting crows
One for sorrow Two for joy
Three for girls and four for boys
Five for silver Six for gold and
Seven for a secret never to be told
There’s a bird that nests inside you
Sleeping underneath your skin
When you open up your wings to speak
I wish you’d let me in
All your life is such a shame
All your love is just a dream
Open up your eyes
You can see the flames of your wasted life
You should be ashamed
You don’t want to waste your life
I walk along these hillsides In the summer ‘neath the sunshine
I am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me
Change, change, change

ijjjmages-1This Counting Crows song has been my very, favorite song… since I was 11. It’s changed for me often through the years. The meaning, the emotion, the angst, the hope….actually I suppose it is me that’s changed, the song remains the same. Regardless, I heard it the other night, while I was waiting to meet up with Stuart, and once again I was hearing the song for the first time it seemed, and this is why.

For a long, long time, I lived without ever really being myself. I let myself become a miniature clone of my ex husband, because it was easier than fighting to be myself.  I was tired of arguing. Tired of constantly being wrong. Exhausted with feeling like a crazy person when I disagreed or wanted to do something differently. I learned how to bass fish, I joined his pool team, I watched NASCAR, I allowed LSU throw blankets on the couch… these may seem like little things, but if you knew him, you would know they weren’t. Everything we did, we did hugely. I stopped reading, writing, taking pictures, listening to my favorite bands when we were together, there wasn’t room for who I was, in the marriage.

Are you happy when you’re sleeping?
Does he keep you safe and warm?
Does he tell you when you’re sorry?
Does he tell you when you’re wrong?
I’ve been watching you for hours
It’s been years since we were born.

download-1The way that he asks the questions in the song, they’re on fire. The words are tearing, they’re prying, they’re abrasive, but soft and sweet… he’s asking her… to be honest. To confess where her mind is at. He’s asking her intimate questions, that he already knows the answers to, because he knows that she needs to hear her own answers out loud. He’s trying to make her see the cage that she’s allowed herself to call home.  He did keep her safe, and warm. She was provided for. And told when she was sorry. And told when she was wrong.

It’s through an honest, equal, caring relationship; built on mutual respect and admiration, that I am starting to see just how… not right… my marriage was. It wasn’t healthy. There is so much bound up in my mind over how I allowed that. It is almost confusing for me, because I know myself to be strong. I never necessarily felt weak in my marriage, but I never felt calm and at peace either. It’s an incredibly slow fade.  I recently read an article about nurturers that are in love with narcissistic people, and it’s not that they’re weak, it’s their compassion that is their undoing. It’s their strong desire for those that they care about to be happy and fulfilled that leads them into a world where they’re no longer  taking care of themselves mentally, and a narcissist will continue to just beat them down. It becomes easier to just go along with things than to fight over them. When you do make a stance over something like watching another NASCAR race, or defending the kids over their laundry being done… you’ve been so warped and trained that even hearing yourself argue about it, you instantly feel wrong. It’s a stupid argument. Are you really going to make a stance over watching a certain TV show? Aren’t you over reacting? Aren’t you being stupid? Why are you always such a jerk?
img_3810Looking back into the last ten years, I am starting to see things with an alarming clarity. To be honest, it’s hard to feel worthy of the good, healthy relationship. That itself is actually taking mental retraining. To know that my opinion isn’t going to be an argument or misconstrued as a personal attack. It’s a road that I am walking for the first time. Of course as everything does, my genuine happiness so soon after a divorce, has come with it’s share of criticism from people that think they knew my marriage.  But I’m not focused on that anymore. I can’t be. I carried guilt through the whole marriage, it was always me screwing up, me not doing things that made him happy, me overreacting, my fault, my fault, my fault. And I carried it. Now that I am free from it, I refuse to carry the guilt forward with me. I’ve put it down. The song pours over me again:

There’s a bird that nests inside you
Sleeping underneath your skin
When you open up your wings to speak
I wish you’d let me in

I am finding my focus again. I’m focused on Hailey and Faith seeing their mother be strong and able to care for and defend them on my own. I’m focused on learning to be in a healthy relationship with someone that adores me.  Being a better daughter, sister, friend… person. That’s where my energies are these days. I can’t change my past, but I can use it to make my future better. It comes back to me:

I walk along these hillsides In the summer ‘neath the sunshine
I am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me
Change, change, change.

imagejuhjjs-1

4 thoughts on “Murder of One

  1. Very beautifully said, so sorry to hear you lost yourself, but very happy you are finding your way to your heart and strength again. You my dear are a beautiful young woman who I pray will know the peace and fullness of life and love. Love Jeanna Marie Baker

    Like

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