Let me paint you a picture people…. there’s this moment when you walk into a room, full of people you don’t know… and you go to introduce yourself…. and you do it wrong. Yea. Sounds dumb doesn’t it. But it happened to me today. Guys, hopefully you’ve never had this problem. But I am stuck in a transition where my name is… multiple things. Since my divorce I have begun the transition of changing my name back to my maiden name. A name that I haven’t used in 17 years. So my name on paper has been changed. It’s once again Jeanna Marie Baker. A name that almost feels foreign to me now. I know that’s what it was. What I was born to be. It is who I am. Down deep. It’s the core of me.
But as I stood in a room today where I had to introduce myself, as I shook hands, heard their name, I said… “Jeanna Holbrook, nice to meet you.” It came right out of my mouth, perfectly naturally, like it has for a long time, but right about BROOK, I choked on the word. It stuck in my throat, as I realized that I don’t even know what my name is right now. There is an extremely confusing lost moment in that. I pushed through it, made a joke, kept moving. But inside, so much caught in the quiet voice of my mind. Arguing with itself. I am… still me. Why as women do we lose so much of ourselves in a marriage? And as my name continues to change on identification, passports, badges, email accounts…. how long will it take before I know what it is, myself?