We speak to each other in lyrics. We always have. When we first met the lyrics we shared weren’t ours, but our parents. The only music we had in common was the classic rock that had poured through our ears as children. We pondered the Black Crowes Bad Luck Blue Eyes and my ever favorite She Talks to Angels. Sunroof open. You usually trying to pull me back in the car, or at least make sure I was balanced as I stood in the breeze down the Gulf of Mexico shoreline. As our friendship turned into a complicated mess of teenage angst so did our music collection. I remember sitting in the Walmart parking lot not long after we became friends, you were sitting in the door jam of my car listening to music with me before we raced home for the night. Glycerine was on by Bush. The song spoke to me, and you had never heard it. I was falling madly in love with Gavin Rosedale and you were falling madly in love with me. I had no idea at the time. How could I have known. The song would for 20 years return us both to that moment. Moments so strong that you would want to name a son Gavin if you ever had the chance. Moments don’t ever obtain more potency than that. We would go on to base thousands of new moments against those little nothing moments sitting in the door jam of an Oldsmobile. Just a boy. And just a girl. A different lyric crosses my mind. One for now.
“If you only knew,
I’m hanging by a thread
The web I spin for you
sacrifice my beating heart before I’d lose you.
I still hold on to the letters
That you’ve returned.
I swear I’ve lived and learned
If you only knew
It’s 4:03 and I can’t sleep
Without you next to me
I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight
bring me back to life
If you only knew
How many times
I counted all the words that went wrong
If you only knew how I refuse to let you go
Even when you’re gone
I don’t regret the days I spent, nights we shared
Or letters that I sent.
Usually I am a Counting Crows girl when life has me wondering what the fuck is going on. But lately Shinedown’s been really getting it done for me. I suppose Threat to Survival fits more right now. It really reaches in and grabs ahold of my psyche, you know? I roll my eyes at myself because I am still writing to you. I suppose I always have.
Truth is I am mad as hell. And so very sorry all at the same time. I was feeling the ache of days gone by and focusing on that. For a week the song Through the Ghost was haunting me like crazy. Go figure. I kept coming back to the lyric, “Speak of the devil, look who just walked in the room. The guilted and faded notion of someone I once knew. All the perfect moments are wrong. All the precious pieces are gone. Everything that mattered is just a city of dust, covering both of us. Did you hide yourself away, I can’t see you anymore, Did you eclipse another day? I used to wake up to the color of your soul.” This really hit me hard. It would bring the sting of tears to my eyes in seconds. But you’re not gone. You didn’t die. And our precious pieces aren’t gone. And I am not giving up on us. I refuse. Because the color of your soul is my favorite color, and I need it in my life. Because I know me, and I know what I feel and I know what I’ve felt in my lifetime and this is the best, the most honest, the most beautiful and I cherish it.
I hit next on the music, because I can’t handle the ghost. Next up… “I don’t want to live, to waste another day, underneath the shadow of mistakes I made,” “Cigarette in my hand, hope you all understand, I won’t be the last one in line, I finally figured out what’s mine. Leaving pieces of me behind. I feel like I’m breaking inside.” Ugh, I am not making any progress. All I can see is your face.
I need Shinedown to take me full circle right now. I’ve been living without music for 3 weeks because I can’t hear it without you being present in my mind. But the silence echoes you even louder because there is a giant missing piece of my life. What in the hell am I supposed to do, and how is it I have never felt this kind of emotion before? Can it be? Am I realizing you’re the one, in the shadow of your absence? “Hold your breathe and count to ten. Agony brings no reward….. don’t be a casualty. Cut the Cord.”
The cord that needs cut though is the one where I am worried about what’s next. What if. What if. What if. I don’t care. I know where I am supposed to be. You’re supposed to be there too. “I’m gonna make it rain, so ring the bell…. can I get a witness??” Let’s not let this be a casualty. We can beat this. Cut the cord.
Then it’s there. Shuffle feature is actually reading me well right now, which is good because I have to get all of this out of me, it’s a lyric that has always taken me to you, and our friendship in all of it’s weird quirky awesomeness. “Staring back in time, the two of us, intertwined. Your black boots. Walking fast, next to mine. We were chasing thunder inside the storm. Running wild outside the norm. And what we made, the two of us against the grain. Come out, Come out, wherever you are. I know you’re there. I know you are. They called us crazy cause we never fit in. We never bothered keeping up with their trends. It didn’t matter that we weren’t on the list. Cause we were misfits. We were misfits. Staying up all night, drinking more than we should. Getting way too high, and when the sun came through, I watched you laugh, I saw you cry. Cause the world has a way of tearing you down. Keeps you tied to the circus. Paints you up like a clown. But I’m right here. Yes, I’m right here. Day after day, and year after year.”
My own words are lacking lately, because they’re tied to a mess in my mind. They’re scared to break lose. Scared to try and define things. Because I don’t want to know. I refuse to let this be it. I refuse to let it be the end. I will carry us. I don’t know why. I just know that I need to. They land perfectly in my ears. “You can have a sound of a thousand voices calling your name, you can have the light of the world blind you, You can be an angel of mercy or give in to hate, you can try to buy it just like every other careless mistake… No one gets out alive, every day is do or die, the one thing you leave behind is how did you live, how did you love? Nothing ever feels quite the same when you are what you dreamed, and you will never look at anything the same when you see what I see. You can’t replicate or duplicate. Got to find your own way. But the one thing you leave behind is how did you love? How did you love?”
I am loving with everything in me. I know that I love you enough. I know that you would find me. Again and again. I know we’ve sat through idly fuming inside as we watched each other get married. Divorced. Have children. Lose grandparents. Friends. And then we crossed a boundary in our relationship that brought us face to face with all of the side stepped emotions. All of the backward glances. Missed phone calls. Missed dances in the rain. And we collided. Space hung still for a second. Because I was changed. Forever. AND I will never be the same.
I’ve got a mind full of aggravation.
I can take it if I just relax.
I say a prayer for the motivation.
Keep me solid so I stay on track.
But there’s a monkey on my back
And it don’t know how to act.
Got me climbing up and down the walls.
I hear the sirens of redemption
Screamin out like never before
And there’s a roadblock in every direction
But I ain’t stopping cause I’m in control…..
I miss you. God do I miss you. But I am learning a whole bunch of interesting things about myself right now. Like I can be alone. I don’t like it. I don’t want to do it. Like I have a lot of mental baggage that needed cleaning out. Correction, that needs cleaning out. I’ve got the trash bags and dust pan, but there’s a lot of work left to do. God I miss you.
“I took all of your pictures off the wall and wrapped them in newspaper blankets. I haven’t slept in what seems like a century. And now I can barely breathe. Your words still serenade me. Your lullibies won’t let me sleep. I’ve never heard such a haunting melody. Oh It’s killing me. You know I can barely breathe. I never thought you’d slip away. I guess I was just a little too late.”
Then it hits me, I’m listening to the wrong songs after all. Because it all goes full circle doesn’t it. It very much does. Because this song finally fits something. And I feel it cut through me.
Must be your skin,
I’m sinking in,
Must be fore real,
Cause now I feel
And I didn’t mind
It’s not my kind
It’s not my time to wonder why
Everything’s gone white
Now you’re here, now you’re away
I don’t want this
I’ll never forget, where you’re at.
Don’t let the days go by, glycerine, glycerine
I’m never alone
I’m alone all the time
Are you at one,
Or do you lie
We live in a wheel, Where everyone steals
But when we rise, It’s like strawberry fields
If I treated you bad,
You bruised my face
Couldn’t love you more,
You’ve got a beautiful taste.
Don’t let the days go by…
Could have been easier on you
I couldn’t change though I wanted to
Should have been easier by three
Our old friend fear and you and me
Don’t let the days go by
Bad moon white again
Bad moon white again
And she falls around me
I needed you more
You wanted us less
I could not kiss, just regress
It might just be
Clear simple and plain
That’s just fine
That’s just one of my names
Don’t let the days go by…. Could’ve been easier on you.
The song was always beautiful to me, but actually never really understood it, or took meaning from it until just now. Just now while it’s playing everything in me changes. Like I am hearing it for the very first time. The way that music seems to happen when it applies to you. Any time I’ve heard it over the last 20 years, I just think about the moment. About the hair hanging in your eyes. About your face watching my face as I loved a song. There’s no way a boy looks at a girl that way, that he won’t love forever, with everything inside him. Now that song, I send to you. With love, from home where I am waiting for you. Clear simple and plain. That’s just fine.
Now tell me, would you like that? Would you like that? 😉
Love you always,
Con Amor Siempre